Halloween

I remember my first Halloween as twisted, a gnarled trunk. I went to school and everyone was dressed like superheros and princesses. The room was covered in orange faces with burning eyes, and apparently this same ghoulish head was in the room with us right now... there were bats and witches and candy and cake, juice and soda and kids that stared at me as I walked in the room. I felt like a naked fool... why hadn't I been told about dressing up? I felt abandoned, betrayed. "What the hell was going on?" I was six so I didn't use those words but that's definitely what I felt. 

I whispered to Batman: Psst! What the hell is going on?
Halloween! Your family must be poor..."
"my family ain't poor!"
Shh!

I stood in the bathroom, scared to leave and face the Spidermen and Michael Jacksons. I was burning under the gazes from my classmates. I needed to improvise. I pulled my sweater over the back of my head and gazed out the neckhole. I felt dirty, like a cheater, it would never work. I would just have to face the fact I was in for a long day. I never felt so let down by my family. What good were they for if they didn't protect you from embarrassment?


I remember looking up the white staircase banister and seeing my aunts sitting on the steps. My head reeled as Halloween's origins were explained to me... did I understand? i was never to celebrate, trick or treat, play pranks, eat candy, wear costumes, or watch movies with occult themes. Especially on oct 31st. That was double bad.

That was the day I realized my life wasn't normal, that I would always be outside.


first i can't listen to Michael Jackson, now this... this is outrageous! so all these kids that had cake today are getting free candy from everybody in every house everywhere... FREE CANDY!... and i can't have any... i can't believe this... this can't be happening...

But it was happening and I was traumatized...

The next day i watched the kids exchange contraband chocolate. a kid handed me a tootsie roll; it tasted like guilt and shame and tears...